3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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