dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
