After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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