There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
