um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
