oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
