my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
