Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
