Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
