I'm so fucking centered right now
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
