I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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