People in love make me want to vomit
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
