Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
