And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
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