Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
