thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
