the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
