does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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