dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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