sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
