I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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