You made me cry and you don't even care
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
