Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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