Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
