I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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