Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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