who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
