he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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