Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
