no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
