i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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