I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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