my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
