The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
