Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
