I'm pants shitting drunk right now
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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