Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
