I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
