im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
