I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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