I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
