Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
