New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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