I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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