i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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