My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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