i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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