I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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