I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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