I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
