last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
