i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
