I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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