He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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