I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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