oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
