alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
