yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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